I used to make long speeches to you
by FannyGi
Summary: I used to make long speeches to you after you left. I used to talk to you all the time, even though I was alone. - Blair has to face new difficulties after Serena's death.
1. Where it all starts

_"_ _I'm just fine, okay? I like being by myself, I want to be by myself, I have to clear my mind."_ she stated, speaking to her phone.

 _"_ _B, come on, just one night."_ the speaker answered.  
 _"I just want to be alone, cuddling, watch a good film and think."_ she replied.  
 _"B, you're already overthinking, the past is past, please, let me help you get over it."_ the speaker said.  
 _"I'm trying, and blind dating is not helping. Please. Please. It's not like it's the end of the world."_ she was begging, at her phone.  
 _"It may be, I could die tonight, my head rolling on the street, my Louboutin covered in dark red stains"_ She was smiling now, a small smile _"I could die; think about me, in a coffin, all alone."_  
 _"Stop it, you're not going to die."_ She laughed, a real laugh _"I'll see you tomorrow, I'll bake you some brownies, deal?"_ She sounded hopeful  
 _"Deal, but you have to make it up to me, Wednesday, seven o' clock, can't rain check, bye."_ she hanged up the call, stood up and started baking for her friend, she went to sleep at 11 pm whistling an old French song about love and travels.

* * *

She is woken up by her mother, strange is her first thought, what happened? Is the second.

"Sweetheart, I'm so sorry, there was an accident, there's nothing we can do."

The rest of the conversation is just random words sinking in her head, words she doesn't want to listen.

She doesn't remember how, or when, or worst, who dressed her, she was a robot by the time her head had processed… death… accident… blood… flesh… scream…

She woke up inside the car, on her way to the hospital, and fell on her knees beside the hospital bed.

"Blair, do you want something? I'm going to the cafeteria… Blair…" she is shaken by hands that she can't recognise, kneeled she can't think only about death, death death death, and is that a flower? There's blood on golden locks, the jaw is broken, the nails are dirty; there's a stain of dry blood under the nose.

"When's the funeral?" She asks in a tiny voice, almost whispering.

"I'm sorry, what?"

"When is the funeral?" her voice louder, almost screaming.

"Honey, it's planned for tomorrow." her mother answered, sweetly.

 _I won't have enough time to say goodbye, you'll be gone, and I can't say goodbye. What will they do to you? Will you go down alone? Will you miss me there? Will there be something? Will you have time to think? Will you still exist there? Will you still exist? Will you?_

Then she starts thinking about all the things she didn't tell, all the secrets she kept, they're all boiling in her mind, storming.

* * *

"He jumped on the first plane, it will take 19 hours to come here, I didn't want to tell him on the phone, I don't even know where to find the strength, but how do I tell him?"

 _There are no words to describe the pain, will they ever exist? Will the pain melt?_

Her mother lights up some candles, they have no scents, wait, lavender.

Then the doctors come in and she doesn't feel herself again and just pass out and fall and cry and that's all.


	2. Where the funeral takes place

She wakes up in her bed, her old bed, with lilac sheets and soft pillows.

 _I hate this bed_

She gets up, trembling, calls for her maid, _does someone still use the word maid?_

She needs to go back to the hospital, she can't stay here, she must not stay here.

"Miss, please, go to bed, you need to get some rest, you stayed at the hospital for hours."

"Hours, what?"

"Yes, I'm so sorry for your loss." there's pity in her voice.

"Where's my mother?"

"She's coming here, she wanted to see you, she's been busy helping Lily planning the funeral."

 _The funeral_

"What time is it?" she is afraid she is going to miss it.

"You have plenty of time to prepare, if you don't want to go back to sleep I'll bring you breakfast."

"I'm perfectly capable of doing it myself."

"I insist"

"There's no need"

"Miss you changed too much, I missed you."

 _Yeah, I changed a bit_

"Do you still like croissants?"

"Of course." She tries to smile, but how can you?

"Do you still drink tea, English tea?"

"Oh ehm, coffee, black, espresso with sugar, thank you." She feels like an alien, from another space.

"I'll fix it for you then."

She stands up and watches herself in the mirror.

 _Long hair, I should cut them; a scratch on the cheek, I can bear it; a black spot on the brow, it hurts._

 _I just can't think._

 _I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine._

 _Just breath, in and out, in and out._

* * *

She makes it to the elevator without trembling, doesn't start crying in front of Central Park, doesn't fall on her knees stepping out of the car, she stands on her feet when she speaks in the church.

"Serena was my best friend, is my best friend, will always be my best friend.  
We used to sneak in my mother workshop and try on all the clothes, we used to steal her mother's makeup, oh my god I miss her so much I can't do it, forgive me, I just… She was my best friend, and I thought I would die first, and now here I am, I love her, with all my heart, I've been so foolish, I've been so blind, but she's always been by my side, holding my hand when I was afraid.  
She smiles the most beautiful smile, so warm and free, you want to cuddle in it. She would have preferred this way, always young and beautiful, always sunny and bubbly.  
You know, she used to light up a room just with her presence, I used to be so jealous, but now, now.  
I regret not telling her enough times that I loved her, I regret not demonstrating it enough.  
I just… Stay, never leave me, stay, stay."

She feels two warm hands take her, she recognize them, she's not alone.

"Come here." he led her into one of the rooms, makes her sit down, brought her some water.

"How are you, Chuck?" she sais, almost crying.

"I don't know, I don't know how to, I'm here for Lily, not that I don't care, but I can't, you know? I just want to go back." almost crying too.

"I feel the same way, maybe, I don't know how I feel anymore."

"Can you breathe? When you think about it, can you breath?"

"No."

* * *

She doesn't remember how she got home, her real home, the loft in Brooklyn.

 _Chuck, he brought me home, his driver._

She sits on the couch, it smells like brownies and chai tea, and she wonders when did she actually started to drink chai tea.

 _Years ago, I believe._

What she keeps on wonder is "When did I actually let all of his decision influence mine? When did this started?"

She puts on some music, vinyl.

 _How pretentious._

"Everything sounds better on the vinyl." He used to say.

He once recorded her laugh, recorded her laughing while watching Annie Hall, he made it into vinyl and kept it under the stereo.

"Blair during Annie Hall – 09.27.13" it said on the outside, in a clean, sharp, handwriting.

She used to think it was so thoughtful, that it was a proof of his love for her.

 _Stupid_

She takes a book from her little studio and starts reading it

 _Just for sleeping, but how can one sleep?_

You just do sometimes, so in the end she falls asleep and the pain somehow is bearable.

* * *

It's 4 a.m. when he's at the door, he finally connects his brain to his hands, he unlocks it and surprisingly it works, she didn't change the key then, maybe she doesn't live here anymore.

He turns on the lights, but just a tiny bit, and find her sleeping form on the couch.

 _She definitely still lives here._

He watches her, so short and still so bossy, while she dreams and feels a strange homesickness in his belly.

He goes to his old bedroom, and finds it a little bit changed, but still manages to take his old photo album.

He places it under his arm, turns around and leave as fast as he can, forgetting to turn off the lights.


	3. Where we meet old (and new) friends

"What are you doing?" She asks coldly.

"I'm sorry, what?"

"What are you doing here, now, in my city, what are you doing?" She is practically yelling at her interlocutor.

"Minding my own business, what about you?"

"I told you to never come back, ever. I thought I had made myself clear."

"Well, I'm not scared B., not anymore; you lost your crown years ago, while eloping with…"

"Don't you try."

"Lonely boy right?"

She's starting to lose her temper.

"What do you want from me Georgina?"

"Nothing, really, I just wanted to send my regards to Lily, I'm here in peace."

"Fine."

"What happened to you? Are you not going to yell at me some more? Are you done?"

"Yes, I am, now please leave, I don't wish to see you anymore for at least five decades."

"It's been a pleasure B."

"All yours."

Georgina leaves with a smirk on her face, walking towards UES with a coffee in one hand and her Gucci bag in the other.

Blair takes place on a bench near the lake in Central Park, takes some crumbs from her purse and starts feeding the ducks.

 _It's been so long since the last time I've come here._

 _I love this place, it warms my heart every single time._

Then she puts her headphones on and starts listening to Regina Spektor and, somehow, she can distract herself from all the sorrow and regret.

* * *

She hails a taxi and heads to Chuck's penthouse, she dials his number and waits for him to answer.

"Hi, this is Charles Bass voicemail, please leave a message, you'll be called back as soon as I can." the recorded voice says coldly.

"Hello Chuck, it's Blair, I was wondering If I could pass by and talk with you, I really need a friend now."

She ends the call and puts some perfume on the nape of her neck and more pink lipstick on her lips.

* * *

"Miss Waldorf, I'm so sorry, but right now Mr. Bass is busy, I'm afraid but I'm going to have to ask you to leave." the doorwoman gently tells her when she claims she has to see Chuck Bass.

"I'm sorry but I think you are misinformed, I called him, I'm sure he's waiting for me." she replies firmly.

"I mustn't share confidential information, I'm sorry but I must ask you to leave."

She tries to continue her walk but is again stopped by the other woman.

"I'm sorry Miss Blair, Mr, Chuck is not alone right now, please leave or I'm going to call the security."

 _Oh I should have known, I'm so stupid._

She feels humiliated, like someone had just punched her in the face, she apologizes and leaves as fast as she can.

* * *

On Thursday, after two weeks, she decides it's time to go back to work, she quit her fashion designer career when she started dating Dan, and now she's a fashion editor for Vogue Usa and a correspondent for Vogue France.

She miss it sometimes, being a designer, but after some time she got used to it.

Every day she wakes up at 7 a.m., takes her coffee, gets ready for the day and heads to work.

She would like to grab a cab every day, but there's too much traffic in NYC and she can't be late; so she blends herself in the melting pot of the underground.

 _I hate the subway, I hate it so much, why the fastest means of transport in this city must be so smelly and crowded?_

"Blair! Hi!" a man greets her waving his hand.

 _Oh God, not you again_

"Hi Leon" she says kindly.

 _Why does he always have to wait for me, it's annoying._

"How are you?" he asks politely.

 _Why don't you mind your own business?_

"Could be better, what about you?"

 _I don't literally care_

"I went to this great Asian fusion sushi bar on Monday, it was a blast! We tried to text you but you didn't reply."

"I was busy, sorry."

"A hot date uh?"

 _What the actual f…_

"I'm sorry?"

"Just kidding"

 _So funny._

When the trains stops she seeks for a single seat to be alone, but, as soon as she finds it, Leon is behind her.

"I'm sorry ma'am, could you…" he says to the old lady sat next to her.

"Don't you even start young man, my back hurts and I've been carrying myself around since 4 in the morning" she replies angrily.

"Fine, fine"

She gives the lady a complicit smile, takes her magazine from her bag and starts reading it, enjoying her ride from Williamsburg to Manhattan a little more.

* * *

"We are going to take July 2017 to a whole next level, first of all, Helen, I need your piece about the silk in the new D&G collection, Leon, did you test Hugo Boss's new perfume? What can you tell us about it?" her manager points to her colleague, Leon.

"I'm still testing it, I will send you my opinions in two days." he replies firmly.

"Hurry up then; and…" she eye scanned the whole meeting room "for the rest of you who didn't send me their articles, I expect them on my desk by Monday, you're all dismissed."

Colleen, the manager, waves her hand, then, suddenly she points at Blair.

"Except you, Waldorf."

 _Good Lord, I screwed it bad._

"Miss Waldorf, are you still friend with Jenny Humphrey?"

 _What?!_

"Blair, are you listening?"

"Sure Colleen, ehm, we're not in good terms, we… we're not exactly rooting for each other you know…" she mumbles, trying to avoid the subject.

"Well, I think you should change your terms, you were sisters in law If I recall right"

"We were not! I'm sorry but I'm not sure I will feel very confident with talking to her"

"I'm sorry but this is very important to me, and I will NOT feel very confident about losing this opportunity. You can go now"

She takes her notebook and portfolio and leaves the room, heads to her office, shuts the door and starts screaming.


	4. Where we get a glimpse

Jenny Humphrey wasn't the kind, pure heart, sincere girl she used to be during Blair's supremacy, anymore.

Jenny or "J", as she likes to be called now, is a fierce blonde, with a lot of girl power in her blood, smokes marijuana and enjoys roof parties.

One could ask why Blair's chief was so interested in the young Jenny Humphrey, well, after London, she had evolved herself from being a pathetic "girl next door" from Brooklyn, to being a cool DJ and fashion designer.

Thus, Blair was forced to call her mother and ask her news about Little Jenny, not so little anymore.

In the end Blair finds herself at the door of Jenny's studio, ringing her doorbell.

"I'm coming, just hold on for a second" Jenny's voice echoes from the other side.

Blair doesn't respond, not wanting to be dismissed.

"Who's there?"

"I'm the fashion editor from Vogue, I talked on the phone to your assistant." Blair replies firmly.

"Fine, wait a sec… Blair, what are you doing here? I'm expecting the editor" her face shows pure surprise.

 _Here we go, we will be fighting in ten minutes and bye bye career_

"Well, it's me, I'm the Vogue editor, I didn't think it would be a problem, well, my chief didn't, I did" she says, almost muttering the last sentence.

 _Why do I feel so insecure, I'm Blair Waldorf for God's sake._

"I'm perfectly fine with you doing this, I'm so over our past discussions." Jenny replies with a smirk.

 _She knows I can't screw this up, but I'd love to take that smirk off her face._

"Come in, there's no need for us to do this interview outside" she opens up the door for her.

"Thank you."

 _Holy crap this place is huge, there's a dance floor, and a gallery, look at that, the chandelier is beautiful, how did she manage to get this space, it's so incredible._

"You like it?"

"What?"

"The chandelier, it's an art piece by and indie glass-blower."

"You have a really nice studio." She says with a note of envy in her voice.

"Well, this is nothing compared to the workshop upstairs, it's under the skylight"

 _What, the workshop is here, like where was I when this happened?_

"I'm dying to see it"

"I was looking forward to show you this"

Then she heads to the winding stairs and Blair follows her.

"This is my baby, my favourite place in the whole loft"

It's like a dream, fabrics are hung on the walls, sewing machines are everywhere, there's a platform for the models to stand on, the light seeped through the skylight, patterns are scattered on the floor.

 _It's so beautiful, oh how I missed this, try not to look too regretful._

"I knew you would have liked it"

"Right, well, we have an interview to record"

"Yeah, follow me"

They sit in Jenny's office and Blair takes her recorder from her bag.

"Where did you get it?"

"The recorder? It's a gift."

 _From your brother_

"I imagined it, I picked it up for you."

"Did you?"

"Yeah, Dan once called me and asked my opinion on recorders, I was surprised and in the end we picked it up as a gift for your new job… did he manage to get your initials on it?"

She abruptly takes the recorder from Blair's hands and examines it.

"Yes, I knew it, so thoughtful"

She remembers when Dan surprised her with his gift.

* * *

 _It was a Sunday morning, he had cooked pancakes and coffee, bought a bouquet of peonies, and had left both the package and the flowers over her plate._

 _She had woken up and had called for him, waiting for his "good morning" kiss._

 _He had appeared on the door and had joined her on their bad._

 _"_ _Why are you up so early?" she had asked in an amused tone._

 _"_ _It's nine in the morning, it's not early, and I had a business meeting to attend"_

 _"_ _Oh really, tell me more about it" Blair had dragged him on her, holding him close to her body_

 _"_ _You'll see"_

 _"_ _But I don't want to get up, I enjoy staying in bed with you far more than business" she had replied with a whiny voice._

 _"_ _I do too, you know? We're on the same page" they had laid there for a few minutes, listening quietly to their heartbeats._

 _"_ _Dan, there's something I want to tell you" she had broken the peace and his eyebrows had knitted in wonder._

 _"_ _You're my life Daniel Humphrey, and I will love you until my last breath" her sudden confession had left him tongue tied._

 _"_ _It's strange you know? Because I feel the same way about you, and you must be a witch, since you have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love, love, love you" he said quoting one of her favourite books._

 _She had pressed her lips to his, letting his tongue lick her upper lip before sucking it in his mouth._

 _"_ _You make me so happy I want to cry" she had admitted, after they have parted._

 _"_ _I bet I can make you a tiny happier, just close your eyes and follow me" she had worn one of his shirt to cover her nudity and had followed him into the kitchen._

 _"_ _You can look now"_

 _In that exact moment she had started crying for the unbearable sweetness he had shown her._

 _Blair had opened the gift while he had put the flowers in a vase filled with water._

 _"_ _Dan, I don't know what to say, you shouldn't have" she had took a handkerchief for her tears._

 _"_ _But I wanted to, I had them… emboss your initials on it, I hope it brings you good luck" she had loved his shaky sweet voice._

 _"_ _It's beautiful, thank you" and they had shared the most carefree of kisses, in a competition with no winner._


	5. Where we see a quarrel

"Earth calls Blair" Jenny says with a playful voice

"I think it's better if we start from the first question uh, Jenny, sorry J, do you… can you tell me more about your new collection?" she tries to sound less distracted than she can

"The main theme for this collection is going to be a rebirth, so I decided to come back here in NYC, I'm a NewYorker after all."

"What happened that made you change your mind so suddenly, you were doing great in London"

"I was, but I didn't feel the same way anymore, and I knew I had to come back and find my roots"

"Were you successful?"

"Yeah, although it has not been easy."

"What about the music, you're a famous DJ now, are you going to release a new album, I've heard rumours about a collaboration with Calvin Harris"

"I can't tell you much, but I can't deny I haven't thought about it"

They continue their Q&A and when Blair is satisfied with her work Jenny takes her hand and simply says

"I'm sorry for what happened to Serena, I wasn't very close to her, but I'm sorry anyway"

Something inside her breaks

 _Don't cry, please, hold on_

"I know it must not be easy for you, but it's not easy for him either, you were all friends despite everything"

 _I hadn't thought about it_

"I don't know whether I should tell you … but I think you should call him, he really needs you now"

"First, I'm sorry but I don't think he would agree with you, and second, I'm not his fiancé anymore, I think he has someone else to go to"

"You're wrong, you're the only one who really understand him, I know you hate him, I know he has caused you pain, and I understand that, but I also understand him.  
I don't want to force you, but I think you should give it a try"

"I won't"

"Okay, let's make this clear, I'm not your biggest fan, and I loathed you back then, I was so angry at my brother when he told me about your engagement; so listen to me, you made him happy, you can help him now, and I'm sure as hell he can help you.  
I'm not saying you have to forget everything and pretend to be friends, but you two were the closest to Serena, and I know it must be hard for you as it is for Dan. You were friends before right? Can you just be his friend again?"

"It's not that easy, I wish it was, but it's not"

"I can only imagine, but please, you know that deep down you still care about him"

 _I don't, he broke my heart, he's not a constant in my life anymore, I'm sorry for him but…_

"I don't think it would help, I'm sorry"

"Fine, but think about it, don't do it for me, don't do it for him, do it for Serena"

When she leaves it feels like a dagger is buried deep in her heart and she can't escape the pain, once again.

* * *

"Hello, It's Blair Waldorf, may I speak to Mrs. Richfield?"

"Sure, wait a moment" the assistant replied.

"Blair?"

"Colleen, I have it, the photographer will take the photos on Saturday if that's okay"

"Fine, but I want the article ready for Monday anyway"

"Of course, thank you, I'll see you tomorrow, bye"

"Bye, have a good evening, Blair"

* * *

When she gets home on Wednesday, after a long swimming session, she's so tired she doesn't even want to speak, so she just throws herself on the couch, still dressed, and falls asleep.

"Blair, Blair wake up" hands are now shaking her, she doesn't like it.

"What are you doing here? What time is it?"

"I thought I could drop by, I had a huge fight with Lily and I need some time alone"

"Well, I'm sorry but here you're not alone, I live here"

"There's enough space here for the two of us"

"Hell no"

"This is my home, you can't send me away"

"Watch me, this is not your home, not anymore, Dan left it to me, there's my name on the bills, I don't mean to be rude but you're pissing me off."

"He left you, he ran away from you, as fast as he could, you don't get to keep the house"

"Leave my house, NOW"

"Truth hurts, right?"

"I don't care about this, I don't care about you and surely I don't care about him.  
You're trying to make me feel miserable in order to get your dirty hands on my belongings, since you're too scared to take your pitiful life in your hands and start worrying about your wife's feelings about her daughter, which happened to be my best friend."

He looks petrified, but she doesn't feel guilty at all.

"I'm sorry about you two, but you can't take your anger out on me, I'm not your punch bag, and, for God's sake, you're not an adolescent anymore, go home, try to listen to her, don't put her on mute."

He stands up and starts leaving, incapable of speaking.

"Leave here the keys on your way back"

"Oh, I won't be bursting in here uninvited again, you're right, but I think I should keep them, for safety"

"Fine, just leave me Dan's ones"

"I don't have his pair, I use mine"

"What? Then who does?"

 _Does someone has free access to my house? I have to change the key immediately_

"Dan maybe"

"Sure" She says ironically.

"I'm not kidding, I don't have them at all, I'm pretty sure he still has his"

 _Awesome_

"I'll change the keys then, goodnight Rufus"

"Goodnight Blair, sorry for the interruption"

 _You can't allow yourself to say sorry for your thoughts_

* * *

A/N I'm sorry for the lack of DB interaction in this chapter, I promise you will see more in the next one


	6. Where we get a phone call

_"_ _Hello everyone, um, I want to dedicate this song to my beautiful fiancé, Blair you've filled my life with pure bliss, thank you"_

 _He had taken the microphone, waited for the sound check, backed away and had started singing._

 _"_ _All I want is nothing more, to hear you knocking at my door,_ _'Cause if I could see your face once more, I_ _could die a happy man I'm sure_ _"_

 _The karaoke corner started screaming, he had a melodious voice, low and firm._

 _A girl had elbowed her and asked about him._

 _"_ _Is he a singer?"_

 _"_ _No, but he has a great voice"_

 _"_ _Do you know him?"_

 _"_ _Yes, I'm his fiancé"_

 _"_ _You're so lucky, you must be so jealous"_

 _"_ _He doesn't give me reason to"_

 _"_ _Just kidding, why do you get so annoyed?"_

 _Blair had frozen, looked her dead in the eyes and had focused on him._

 _"_ _See you brought out the best of me, a part of me I've never seen, our love was made for movie screens"_

 _He had finished the song, and, after taking her in his arms had kissed her lovingly._

 _"_ _Did you like it?"_

 _"_ _Yes, it was incredible, even if you got yourself a few annoying fan"_

 _"_ _Who cares about them"_

 _"_ _I do, even if there's no need, right?"_

 _"_ _Exactly, no need, you're my one and only"_

 _"_ _I love you, you know?"_

 _"_ _I love you more" he had kissed her again passionately._

She wakes in the middle of the night, breathes in and out and starts counting the streets around her block in order to stop the panic from taking her over.

* * *

Two days later a colleague of her asks her out, it's vaguely cute

"Hi Waldorf"

"Hi Cole, what brings you here?"

"I'm here to ask you something sweetheart."

"I'm full ears"

"I need you to do something for me, can you sign me this?" he hands her an envelope, she opens it and finds a picture of her in her early college years.

"It's weird I know, believe me I'm not some kind of stalker, and that's what a stalker would say, you go Colin!"

"So, you're not a stalker, and you need this for?"

"It's a gift"

"Oh, fine" she laughs "What name should I write?"

"May"

"Oh may I ask who May is?" she signs the picture with a smile

"I'll tell you but I'm hungry and you'll have to wait until 3 p.m."

"You know what? I'm hungry too"

"This is the moment I invite you to have lunch with me, right?"

"Right"

 _I'm flirting?_

They eat in a bistro near their office, she finds out that May is his little sister and she used to read every single Gossip Girl post.

He's confident and amusing, she feels surprisingly powerful, it doesn't hurt at all.

* * *

The next day it's chillier so she wears her coat and finds an odd note and a phone number

 **CALL HIM**

She's angry at first, takes it off, toss it in the garbage and leaves her house.

She has dinner with Nate and his daughter, Lilac, she's three and likes to dress up like a princess every single day.

Blair helps Lilac pick up her dress for the evening and crowns the little girl with a fake tiara.

Lilac calls Blair "Auntie" and it warms her heart every single time.

They dine in his penthouse and the little girl invites Blair to her recital in her nursery school, since she's her aunt and she HAS to come, as Lilac points out stomping her feet.

When Nate turns Lilac in, Blair sings her a lullaby, while holding the little girl's hand.

"She's so perfect" she says

"Yes, I shouldn't say that but it's true, she's so different from her mother"

"You don't have to worry about that" she tries to lift the mood up a bit "You won't believe who I interviewed last week" she says playfully

"Who? The Captain Howard Archibald?"

"J AKA Jenny Humphrey herself"

"Seriously? Why?"

"She's a famous DJ now"

"Can't she get herself a real job? Come on, she's been a queen bee, then a thief, then a designer, now a DJ?"

 _That's it, that's the carefree Nate that I adore_

"Exactly, she even tried to convince me to call Dan and help him with the whole Serena's grieving" she tries hard but her voice cracks a bit the same way.

"She's right, you should"

She shouts her mouth in shock

"You two were the closest to Serena, I know you're suffering and I know you're trying really hard to be alright and keep up the façade, but you're not going to fool anyone.  
You don't have to, but I think it will help, you can't always pretend everything's the same, you will fall to pieces and I don't want that"

"It's inevitable anyway, same old story, me ending up hurt again? I'm so scared, it's not easy without her"

"I'm sorry, who are you? Blair Waldorf does not fear men, and you have me and Lilac, we will protect you in case"

She hugs him tightly and they spend the rest of the night playing Scrabble.

* * *

It's almost midnight when she gets home, and even though she's tired and can't keep her eyes open, she takes the post-it from the trash and dials it.

"Blair?"

She's too scared and hangs up, hurling her phones across the room and heading to the bathroom.

After ten minutes she takes it back and she has three missed calls from the same number

 _Dan._

She sits on what used to be their couch, with their old blanket and calls him again.

"Blair?"

"It's me"

"Why are you calling, are you all right?"

 _Concerned after all this time_

"Why am I calling? I'm uh, I talked with your sister… Jenny she told me you could use a call, I know it's late, I shouldn't have, I'm sorry it was a mistake"

"No, please, she's right, I've been hesitating whether call you or not, I was afraid you wouldn't answer "

 _Afraid? You weren't so afraid last time_

"It's new, you've never hesitated before" she points out, clearly ironic

"This is what I was afraid of, you being sarcastic and mean, misunderstanding my words"

"I'm sorry, but it's not easy for me"

"It's no easy for me either, and I'm not coping"

"I know what you mean, I'm not grieving, I'm mourning, every single day I have to remind myself not to call her number.  
It's driving me crazy, every single day I have to wake and repeat myself that I will get through this pain, I try with all I am, but I don't"

"I understand, even though I don't love her anymore, not in the way I used to back then, but I miss her, do you miss her voice? Sometimes I just listen to our old voice notes."

"I have a video, we were in the pool singing "Barbie Girl", she was a gymnast back then"

"Did she? I didn't know"

"For a short period of time, she enjoyed swimming rather more"

"… but she loved hockey, if I remember well you two had a huge fight in high school during a game"

"That's true, oh my god, we didn't talk for like three days straight"

"Yeah, I remember that, I didn't get how she would like you back then, but after our story I do, she was right"

The blood freezes in her veins

"About what?"

"That you are a good person and a caring friend, well you know the rest, and how I felt about you"

"I do"

"I have to go, I have a brunch tomorrow morning but thank you, it was lovely"

"Yeah, uh, good night" she says awkwardly

"Good night Blair"

* * *

A/N There you go, I know it's just a phone call but hey, patience is a virtue; this is the longest chapter I've ever written for this story, I hope you like it, and , as always, remember that this chapters are not beta-read so feel free to report me any mistakes.  
Last but not least, thanks for all the reviews, they mean the world to me.


	7. Where we go out and about

On Monday Cole invites her to dinner and she starts feeling butterflies in her stomach.

He picks her up at seven o' clock the next evening and he gives her seven pink roses.

"My sister insisted, I wouldn't have done it otherwise" he says with a half laugh.

"Sure"

"The florist recommends to put them near the window"

"He does?" she replies with a smile

"Well, it may be a signal to all the other blokes out there, but I'm a grown-up so you decide"

"I agree with the florist, you know?"

"You do?"

She nods and he bows down and kiss her nose, then the corner of her lips, almost asking for permission, so she moves her head and kiss him fully; a mix of sweetness and fire.

He takes her to a very expensive restaurant, but just outside the building she holds his hand a little bit tighter.

"I don't know if it's a good idea"

"For the money you mean? I can afford this"

"Oh, no, it's just, my ex-boyfriend owns this restaurant and I promised to never take any date here. Do you mind if we look for another place?"

"Date, uh? I rather like how it sounds"

"Date. Date. Date" she says playfully, kissing him on the cheek between each word.

"Ok, so how about that restaurant?" Cole points to a bistro across the street.

"He owns that too, and that also"

"So, I have to be a little inventive, we can reach Roosevelt Island in fifteen, more twenty, minutes, and no one will disturb us there"

"How do you know?"

"Well, I know the owner"

He takes her to a small fish restaurant and introduces her to Alfie.

"Alfie, meet Blair Waldorf; Blair he's Alfie Tommen"

"Nice to meet you Blair, I heard a lot about you" Cole starts turning red

"Good things I hope"

"You have to ask May and this guy right here"

"So how do you guys know each other?"

"Well, Coledocus here, he's a college fellow"

"Interesting, where did you two study?"

"Bowdoin"

 _Ew._

"Coledocus, is that you're real name?" she asks Cole

"No, I invented it, his real name is ridiculous and I have a PhD in Biology and Coledocus is Latin for something really gross, just like him" Alfie replies

"Thank you Alfie, can you leave us?" he says abruptly

"A little impatiens aren't we? Don't worry, I'll bring your drinks and bread" Alfie leaves them and Cole feels a little bit awkward.

"Why don't we take a seat?" Blair says, trying to sound spontaneous

"You pick"

"Near the window"

They sit and eat, he holds her hand and she's not bothered by it; after the meal he takes some pictures of her with his instant camera and puts the most beautiful in the pocket of her coat.

When she goes home she feels bliss and before going to bed she inhales once again the smell of the roses.

* * *

"Who's this guy? Do I know him?" Nate asks her

"No, he's a photographer and works for me, as a free-lance, so not my actual employee"

"Do I have to like him?"

"Well, I do like him as a friend for now? Maybe more? I don't know"

"I could punch him for you, you know that?"

"I know, but… _He really wants to make me happy, he takes pictures of me and kisses my knuckles and he really tries"_

 _"_ _He's seems like a nice guy"_

"He is, I think"

Then she quiets for a minute and he knows she's about to talk.

"I have to tell you something"

"I'm all ears"

"I called Dan the other night" she says in a half whisper

"When?"

"Saturday"

"And?"

"It was awkward at first, I was very embarrassed, so was he, so we talked about Serena and it was okay, it could have been worse, and it helped; I don't know how, I didn't expect it at all, but I did not cry"

"I'm happy to hear that, but what are your terms now?"

"I don't know"

"I think he wants to make up with you"

"It's not that easy"

"I know, Blair, but you don't know his version of it"

"I'm not talking about versions, I'm talking about facts. He left me, fact, he betrayed me, fact, he broke my heart, fact, he's a traitor, fact, I hate him, fact"

"I agree with you, but he used to be my friend and frankly I think you should give him a chance"

"Why?"

"Maybe, just maybe, he wants to apologise, you don't know what it felt like for him"

"Why are you telling me this? Which side are you on?"

"Yours Blair, always been, but I'm your friend as much as I'm his. He really wants to talk to you."

"How do you know that? Did he tell you that?"

"Yes, he did"

"You are a traitor, you befriended the devil"

"He's not evil, he really tried to apologise, he tried to call you but Serena told him to leave you alone"

"He better not blame Serena for his deeds"

"Serena was not innocent, maybe her heart was in the right place but she got herself in between you two, I'm sure she was trying to protect you but it did not help"

"That's what he says, he's just a cheater, a compulsive liar…"

"Blair you've been repeating this, as a mantra for almost two years now; I understand you're not ready to forgive him, but you should at least let him explain himself. When you will have listened you will have an unbiased vision…"

She interrupted him

"Oh, so I'm the villain? He left me broken and I'm the villain? Awesome"

"You're jumping to your own conclusions, this is the best advice I can give you, talk to him and then you'll know"

She closed her eyes

 _There's a slight chance he could be right… no that can't be, he's wrong, but… no._

"I'll think about it" a white lie but is the best she can do.

"I hope so, let's go pick Lilac up from school" he says, offering his arm for her to hold, she takes it and follows him.

* * *

A/N Thanks for reading, I promise you will get more Dair interaction in the next few chapters, but I really want you to focus more on her character than just their relationship.  
I will upload the next one on Sunday, as always.  
I hope you like it.


	8. Where we give a possibility

The following day Blair has to team up with Leon to interview Balenciaga's new designer for the upcoming NYFW, he touches her shoulders and the small of her back every now and then, it pisses her off so much that in the end she slaps his hand and gets a reprimand, which spoils her mood.

Around 5 p.m. she's free to leave and prefers to take a much more expensive cab than the train with "peeping Tom" Leon.

She waits for the cab and sees a man with a bush of hair in front of her, long curly hair, she gets scared, closes her eyes and breathes, in and out, in and out.

After ten seconds he's gone and she's not afraid anymore.

* * *

Later that night, she sits on the armchair, reading a book with the stereo on, listening to a compilation of French songs, when something happens.

"Love, this is the song we danced to at your first wedding, I like it because it's our first official dance, and I got to hold you even though you are a swan and I'm just a duck. You were so beautiful in that dress. I hope you like it"

His voice makes the blood in her veins freeze.

 _When did he record this? Why did he run away? Why did he left me? We were so good together. We were like a dream come true. The proof that love can exist between a Brooklyn boy and an UES girl._

 _He was like coming home after a long trip._

When the phone rings she feels a little upset but answer anyway.

It's Dan and she wonders why is he calling her.

"Hello, Blair?"

"Dan, good evening"

"I have to ask you something"

"Go for it!"

"I know it's weird but do you still have the scrapbook?"

"My-My what?"

"You-Your golden scrapbook, the Prom one"

"Why do you need it?"

"It's something for Serena, but it's kind of a surprise so I can't tell you much. Do you still have it?"

"I don't know, I have to check, I'm not sure anyway"

"All right, just let me know"

"Wait a moment, I have to ask you something too" she quotes him and it sounds playful

"I'm listening to a compilation you made, for me, I think, of French songs and you recorded and intermezzo, so I was wondering, when did you made it?"

"I can answer that, can you read the label for me? There should be a number"

"46-23-16"

He shouts for a minute and then exults.

"You had just moved in with me, we had yet to celebrate our first anniversary"

"How do you know? Is there a code" she says with a half-laugh

"Actually, yes"

"I'm curious" she feels light-hearted

 _How I missed these conversations_

"Basically, 46 is the number of weeks since we started dating, 23:16 is when I recorded it, you were unpacking and I was utter bliss, but you surely remember our first dinner as flatmates"

"Flatmates? There are better ways to say it"

"Fine" he says with fake exasperation "Do you remember our first dinner as in love flatmates?"

 _Of course I do_

"Yes, it was a disaster"

"It was not a disaster, you made an exotic soup if I recall right"

"It was terrible, I was trying so much to fit in, I really wanted you to see that I can take care of myself, but it didn't turn up as I expected"

"I already knew, since your pregnancy I knew"

 _Louis_

"I was an infant back then, I was going to marry a man that didn't love me for me, he loved the person he thought I would become."

"You'll never know how close you were to that kind of love the last time"

"What do you mean?"

"It's a long story, and a sad one"

"I know it was sad, it broke my heart"

"Don't say that, please"

"Why? Are you afraid to face the truth? Can't you bear it?"

"This is not what I'm trying to say"

"Then what are you trying to say?" she quoted him back

"I don't know what to say to you except that it tore the heart out of my body saying goodbye to you."

It sinks slowly into her mind, she repeats his sentence into her head back and forth, breaks it in tiny verses and then in words and in syllables and in letters, until there are just sounds without a meaning.

"Please, don't overthink" he says calmly

She shakes suddenly

"What?"

"Please, I know you're overthinking, we both know that it doesn't make you feel good"

"How can I not think about it? You didn't even say goodbye, you left me alone, in a room full of people waiting for you"

"I know, I don't want to discuss this on the phone, either we meet or…"

"I don't want to see you, I don't fancy risking get hurt again"

"You know I would never hurt you on purpose"

"Although is what you did"

"I don't want to fight with you, I'm sorry for what happened, I tried to apologize to you, but you didn't want to"

"You're lying"

"I'm not, but it doesn't matter, you wouldn't believe me anyway"

"That's not true"

"Can't you see it? I'm telling the truth, and you don't even want to listen to me, I don't know why are we doing this, it's not going to lead us anywhere"

 _I'm torn_

She exhales a long breath and tries to calm herself.

 _Pleasedontcrypleasedontcrypleasedontcry_

 _Hold on._

"I can't trust you, I would like to be able to, at least, know your thoughts, even though I don't believe they are true, but I can't"

She shows him an unbearable nudity of her soul, there she is, heart-sick, trying to survive, to withstand the pain.

 _Why am I always feeling pain? Will it ever end?_

"Will this ever end?" he asks "Will you want me as a friend again? Will you ever need me again?"

 _I never truly stopped_

"I don't know"

"Then the future is full of possibilities, I like it better this way"

"I am not giving you a certainty, I'm giving you a prospect, nothing less"

"Better than nothing"

"I'm trying to understand you, but it's so difficult"

"I promise it will get better"

"Don't make promise you can't keep"

* * *

 **A/N** I really appreciate your reviews and your attachment to this story, you truly are incredible.  
This is the last time I repeat this, you will get Dan in this fic, just wait; he left her and she's not so willing to forgive.  
Remember this fic may contain a lot of mistakes so bear with me.


	9. Where we help a mother

On Friday Blair and Cole go to the movies and she has a lot of fun, he kisses her hand and she feels like Audrey Hepburn in Sabrina.

She waits outside for him to book the tickets and admires the splendour of New York, the lights make everything stands out as she remembers the night Serena had taken her out for the first time after his departure.

* * *

 _It had been hard, Serena had taken her hand and led her into the shower._

 _"_ _This is not you, please Blair, your life is not over, please"_

 _The cold water had given her goose bumps, her heart was beating so fast, like a drum during a parade._

 _"_ _He left me, I'm alone"_

 _"_ _You're not alone. You have me, you have Nate, you have Chuck, your mother, your father, your stepfathers, you are not alone"_

 _"_ _But that's all I can feel. It won't improve in time. It's over. I'm over."_

 _"_ _You're not over Blair"_

 _Then the world had stopped and she has started panicking_

 _"_ _I can't breathe, I can't breathe, I can't breathe, I can only cry,cry, cry."_

 _"_ _I know, I know but you have to listen to me, you're Blair Waldorf for God's sake, you're not broken, everything is exactly in the right place, you're just bend.  
I know that you're feeling like you're being ripped apart from the inside but please, don't ruin yourself over this"_

 _"_ _You can make it, I'm here"_

 _She had stared at the floor of the shower stall, then had tied her hair up, even though they were already wet._

 _"_ _I'm trying but how can I? How can I breathe? Where do I find the strength?"_

 _"_ _I know where you will find the strength you need, it's here, inside you" Serena had touched her chest "It's here, I know that day one is hard, day four is harder and so on, but in a few months, you will be free, I promise, it will be just a ghost of your past. Things will be fine in the end, if they're not fine then it's not the end. I promise, I promise"_

 _"_ _But if it doesn't end? Will I love him forever? Will I spend the rest of my life suffering?"_

 _"_ _No, I promise you won't, I know you're scared, but trust me. You're not alone.  
Right now, you're going to dress up, put some makeup on and we're going out and about. I'm not going to leave you here"_

 _She had exhaled a long breath and had taken her hand._

 _"_ _Okay, what is this noise?"_

 _"_ _Your phone, Dan sent you sixteen e-mails, and texts and phone calls and things"_

 _"_ _Can you make him stop?"_

 _"_ _I can block his number and his e-mail address"_

 _"_ _Please do it"_

 _Serena had taken Blair's phone and solved the problem in a minute._

 _"_ _Done"_

 _"_ _Thank you"_

* * *

"Blair?" Cole calls her.

"Yeah? Do you have them?"

"Yes, did you take the popcorns?"

"No, I'm sorry"

"You don't like them?"

"No, I usually have macarons, but we can grab popcorns if you want"

"Macarons are fine, where do we get them?"

"They're in my bag"

"You're carrying them around?

"Kind of" she laughs

"You're incredible! A petite brunette that writes amazing articles for Vogue and carries macarons in her purse? My kind of girl" he kisses her and it, somehow, fills her with glee.

* * *

In the lift she can smell the scent of polished walnut wood, the handrail is cold and the lights are low, she hears the ring of the bell that announce her arrival and prepares herself for a long conversation.

What used to be Serena's home is now empty, the Prada signal is lying on the floor, near two large suitcases and Serena's degree in Economics of Cultural Heritage and Communications.

 _She loved that class and Lily was so angry at her for choosing such a useless course of study._

 _"_ _Just take Economics and Business for God's sake!" Lily used to say, and Serena laughed every time._

 _"_ _Don't you feel the adrenalin rush while admiring Fontana's Spatial Concept?"_

 _"_ _Sincerely … no"_

 _"_ _Well, I do and I don't want to ever stop feeling that way"_

"Blair, thank God you are here. I need your help"

Lily Rhodes (former van der Woodsen) had always been a very fine lady, mid-chin length hair, doe eyes and a dazzling smile; the person standing in front of Blair in that moment is the shadow of someone that had so much glory during her early years, she looks pale, thin, emaciated and very tired.

"Sorry, I look terrifying"

"Don't apologise, please. How are you?"

"Devastated"

"Me too"

"I know, you're coming here with so little notice" she gives her a small, sad smile.

"I can't do otherwise, you call me I come, and Serena would have done the same"

Lily sniffs her nose elegantly and hugs Blair.

"Thank you so much for coming, but without further ado, our butler put Serena's stuff inside these boxes, gifts and things you two used to share together, they belong to you now"

"Thank you, it means a lot to me, can Vanya bring them to my apartment?"

"Of course, but there's a little problem, inside the first box there are few things… I don't know if you want to keep them or not"

Blair gives Lily a confused look.

"There is a photo album of your engagement shooting, with Daniel"

"I don't want that"

"Are you sure? Bonbonnières and movies, do you want to throw them all away? Serena kept them with such care… never mind I'll ask Daniel to get rid of the box when he comes back"

"Dan will come here?"

"Oh, sweetheart, yeah, he's been living here for almost ten days, since Rufus left me, he and Eric are trying to help me"

"I told Rufus to go back to you, he went to my apartment and I told him to leave. I'm sorry, I didn't know"

"Don't worry Blair, it's certainly not your fault. Don't tell anyone though, I don't fancy people minding my business more than necessary"

"Sure… I'm sorry but I must go, I'll have Vanya pass by and pick the damn things and the photo album up, I just can't stay here now"

"If you're worrying about Daniel, he's not going to come back in three hours, thus you can sit here with me and we can have a lovely cup of tea while I help you unbox them"

"It's not… I just, I don't think he wants me here"

"He won't mind, trust me, he told me to give you these" she eyes the boxes near her feet.

"So he wants to throw them but now, somehow, it's me the one who has to do it"

"He doesn't want to throw them, that's why he's giving them to you"

"Then why doesn't he keep them?"

"He says he's got his"

"He still has this stuff, seriously? He still has the photo album? And our vows? And our playlist? I don't think so"

"Ask him yourself"

"No, I wouldn't believe it anyway"

* * *

 **A/N** Hello everyone, hope you like this chapter!  
I really appreciate the reviews, you're awesome and I thank you so much.  
Remember that these chapter are not betaread so any advice is extremely valued.


	10. Where we finally meet (and greet)

It's a bright Tuesday morning, the kind of morning where you can do anything, and, even though Blair Waldorf, former Queen Bee of the UES has countless places to be this morning, she takes a cab and heads to the Monumental Graveyard of NYC.

When she finds the grave of Serena van der Woodsen her heart skips a bit, her legs start trembling and the adrenaline rush leaves her half-breath.

"I'm sorry for not coming" she sniffs inelegantly "I couldn't find the strength, but now, now,I'm here. It's been a month and I'm so sorry. I can't do this without you, I can't. I know I said I didn't need anyone to determinate myself, but there's no Blair without Serena.  
It is dreadful how I miss you, and everything that everybody says seems flat and stupid. _  
_I can't do it. I'm trying really really hard but I just can't breathe. I met a new guy and I don't know what to do, I really miss you, please, be here."

She sits on the ground, a sacrifice of her vanity for a greater purpose and cries for a very long time.

A man stops behind her and puts his hand on her shoulder.

She turns around scared and looks him in the face, and recognize his big brown eyes, his luscious full mouth, his emaciated cheeks and his long curly hair.

He's wearing a flannel shirt and a leather jacket, long blue jeans a little bit grungy and holds a book under his arm.

"Blair"

She starts shivering and opens her mouth to speak but no sound comes out.

"Blair"

She blinks a few times and stops crying, at least she tries to.

"D – D – Dan wh...what are you doing here?"

She stands up and rubs the leaves off her coat.

"I miss her, and I just wanted to see how she was doing, it's been a month right?"

"Yes, a month today" she stares at the cypress trying to choke back her tears.

"What about you? What are you doing here?"

"I miss her too"

Dan nods and Blair takes a long breath, shivering a bit in her coat.

 _We strangely seem civil_

"How are you dealing with it?"

"With her absence?"

 _I can't pronounce the word death_

"Yeah"

"Not very well, I have these weird memories of us and then I panic because I think… I mean… _Will I forget her? I mean, what if I forget her face, then her hair colour, then her smell, until everything she used to mean to me will just fade away? What if I can't remember her birthday, then her last day and what she liked to eat, the sound of her voice? What if I forget the pain? People keep hugging me and telling me that things will be fine, that everything will fall back in place, but it cannot. Nothing is the same anymore and will never be the same"_

 _"_ _You're right"_

 _Blair looks at him and her curiosity wins her over._

 _"_ _What's that thing you're holding?"_

"I wanted to show these to Serena"

He hands her the book and she finds out it is actually a photo album

 **COSTANCE – CLASS OF 2009**

She opens it and finds little notes and post-it with his sloppy handwriting.

 _Serena and me dancing during our prom_

 _Serena and Blair hockey_

 _Blair and me in the Age of Innocence_

 _Nate and me studying_

 _Nate smoking_

 _Jenny and me eating in the cafeteria_

 _Blair and me at the Yale annual meeting_

 _Serena and Eric in the school pool_

"What is this?" her voice cracks a little

"You don't like it?"

"Yes but, why? Where did you get this?"

"Oh, you are not going to like this"

"What?"

"It was in our – in the loft, I took it from there"

"When? Where you at my house?"

"Technically it's ours, and yes, a month ago, after Serena's funeral"

"You went into my house uninvited, how could you?"

"I'm sorry, I had to get this, please let me explain"

"There's nothing for you to explain, it's unbelievable"

"Please, I didn't steal anything, I just took the book and left, you were sleeping, please don't be afraid"

"How can I not be afraid? You burst into my house while I am sleeping. That's a crime, I should be reporting this"

"Are you hurt? Did I hurt you?"

 _You did._

"No, it takes more than Daniel Humphrey to destroy Blair Waldorf"

 _Right?_

"I know, I just needed to get this for Serena. I made some copies; you can take it back if you want"

Something inside of her soften and she shakes her head.

"I have my own, I'll give you the scrapbook if you still want it, but you'll have to give me back the keys of the loft"

"I don't have them with me now"

"Fine, just do it okay?"

"Why? I understand your feelings but it's still my house"

"You don't want to live there anymore and I can buy it whole if you want"

"That's not what I mean"

"Then what do you mean?"

"Nothing, you wouldn't believe me anyway"

 _Exactly_

"Who told you that?"

"You"

She locks her eyes on the grave and replies.

"Fine, I'll listen"

"What do you want to listen?"

"You can tell me about the night you broke into my house"

"Okay, can we not do it here?"

"Well right now my legs feel like gelatine and I can't walk, either you wait or we talk here"

"You give me no other choice"

"I'm sorry?"

Nevertheless, it is too late; he picks her up bridal style and starts walking.

"Dan! What are you doing? Dan! Put me down!" she starts yelling and moving

"Nope"

"What?"

"I know you and I know your body, you are not able to walk right now, the adrenaline is circulating inside you, I can feel you tremble. I will not harm you, I promise, trust me"

"Humphrey, put me down, immediately"

"I won't, be quiet and it will be easier for the both of us"

"Don't tell me what to do! Let go of me!"

"No and you lost weight – there used to be something… here" he touches her waist

"What are you doing? Let me go!"

"No"

He starts walking faster and in five minutes, they are outside the dramatic black gates.

"Are you done?"

"Almost" and puts her on a bench

"Now we can talk"

"Now I'm leaving"

"Wait, why?" he takes her hand trying to stop her from moving.

"Let go of me!"

"Why? You said you were going to listen to me"

"That was before" she slaps his hand and frees hers

"Before what? You have to listen to me"

"Before you treated me like an object. I'm leaving"

"Please, stay!"

"No, goodbye Humphrey, have a good life" she starts running towards the street, trying to leave him behind.

"But you have to listen to me, you're misunderstanding my words"

"I don't care, go on with your monologue without me"

"Check your e-mails then, you owe that to me"

The blood starts running through her arteries and her veins like burning liquor, she turns around and faces him.

"I. Don't. Owe. You. Anything"

"Fine, just check them, will you?" he screams but it's too late for her to listen.

He stands in the middle of the street, watching her disappear inside a taxi.

When she gets into the cab, she quickly gives the driver her mother's address and starts crying and trembling.

"Miss, are you all right? I can take you to the hospital" the driver asks gently

"I'm fine thank you, it's the allergy season" she manage to speak through the sobs.

 _I thought it would be worse, I'm so tired, I just want this to end._

* * *

 **A/N** Hello people, this is the chapter you have been craving, is my favourite so far and I loved writing it; let me know if you like it as much as I do.  
Unfortunately my computer is dying so I'll may have to skip the next Sunday, please bear with me.  
Please note these chapter are not betaread.  
Sending you all my love.


	11. Where we leave someone behind

She's inside the lift the next day, when Leon comes in and gives her a smirk.

"How are you doing today Blair?"

"Fine, thanks" he comes closer and she tries to avoid him.

"Not going to ask me how am I doing?"

"Nope"

"Ouch, that's rude, we should fix that, don't you think?" he comes closer and closer.

"What are you doing?" she asks him but it's too late and he kisses her.

It is sudden and she slaps him in shock.

"Are you out of your mind?"

"I thought… you said… we are friends"

"I'm afraid you should use the past tense, I'm not your friend anymore"

* * *

"Do you like it here?"

Cole is holding her hand while they're on the road to a small Rose Garden.

"Yeah, I love the smell, it reminds me of Paris"

"Paris, Texas?"

"No" she laughs "In France, have you ever been there?"

"Nope, I don't speak French unfortunately, you do right? Your father is French?"

"No, he lives there with his husband Roman, who is French"

He simply squeezes her hand and gives her a bright smile.

When they get to the entrance, he pays for the tickets and shows her the garden.

It's bright and colourful, cascades of roses are hanging on the trees, the sun is shining and it warms her heart to see such a blooming nature.

"There's a place where we can name a branch of roses, of course we have to pay a small donation"

"I like your idea, I already have a name in mind"

"Tell me more"

"Vogue, in honour of our loved magazine"

"Right, but I was thinking of something more personal, like your name"

"Blair Rose? You will be surprised but my step-father's surname is, indeed, Rose"

"So you're already a rose"

"Kind of"

He kisses her on the cheek and stares deeply into her big doe eyes.

"Are you happy Blair? Right now, with me"

"Yeah, I am"

"But not as much as with the other guy"

"Which guy?"

"The one who keeps calling while you're at work" he takes her hand and holds it

"Did you spy on me?" she frees her hand and faces him

"I asked your assistant and she told me about it"

"That's illegal, it's private, you should mind your own business, and so should Theresa"

"I know, but why does he keep calling you?"

"I don't know, but it surely doesn't concern you"

"Yes it does"

"No, it surely doesn't"

"I think you're misunderstanding my words, I'm just trying to understand you"

"I'm not misunderstanding anything, I should go, bye Cole"

"Blair, please" he tries to stop her but she leaves and it's too late.

* * *

"Miss Blair, I left your boxes over the coffee table in the living room, do I have to move it somewhere else?"

"No Vanya, it's perfect, I'll see you next time, give a kiss to the children from me"

"Sure Miss, goodbye"

"Goodbye Vanya"

Blair Waldorf is now alone and wonders whether watch Sabrina or some Almòdovar movie when her doorbell rings.

"Cole, I don't want to talk to you right now, please leave, I thought I had made myself clear the first hundred times" she yells

"I'm not Cole"

She walks to the door and puts a hand on it.

"Who are you?"

"Blair, please let me in"

She opens the door and finds a much rather drunk Dan Humphrey, his tousled hair and goofy smile.

"Are you drunk? Why are you here?" she sounds almost defeated

"Maybe"

"Go home Dan, please"

"I wanted to give you these" he opens his palm and shows her a pair of black keys

"These are not my keys, they're yours"

"So you want me to keep them? I walked all the way here and it's useless?" he starts babbling and passes a hand through his dark curls

"These are your car's keys, I don't need them" she almost laughs

"Oh, I'm so stupid, I thought… Never mind" he yawns "Do you mind if I use the bathroom? I'm so tired"

"Oh yes, I'm sure you remember where it is"

It's strange, seeing him into her private world again, it reminds her of long conversation and dinners on the couch.

 _Please don't touch anything, please._

She feels like a caged animal and regrets her choice, but she just couldn't leave him outside, drunk and confused.

When he emerges from the bathroom, she has a yearbook on her knees and fingers the blue bow that lies on top of it.

"What's that?"

"Our middle school yearbook, mine and Serena. It was inside one of the boxes, Lily told me you went through all of them"

"Why did she tell you that? It was supposed to be a secret. I feel so embarrassed right now" there's a small laughter in his voice but she knows it's his way of saying things straight.

"There's no reason for you to feel embarrassed, I just want to know why"

"Do you have a tablet or something? I could use some aspirin right now"

"I do, but I want an answer"

"I'll give it to you if you want but I don't understand, you didn't want to listen to me five days ago, now everything's fine?" there's a sparkle of hope in his eyes and she just can't get enough of it.

"No, I didn't change my mind, I'm trying to give you a possibility"

Blair walks to the sink, grabs a few tablets and puts them in a glass full of clear water.

"I'm not the monster you think I am, I don't do things out of spite or cruelty. I tried apologizing, I had huge fights with Serena over this because she didn't let me and I wro..."

"No, you don't come into my house, drunk and uninvited, and insult the memory of the person I cared about the most" she glares at him, her eyes cold as ice while she handles him the glass and waits for him to drink it.

"I'm not insulting, I'm telling you the truth. I loved Serena, she was my step-sister but she was not perfect… I don't know if she kept them from you but I sent you e-mails and letters"

 _I don't believe it_

"I've never seen them, she would have told me, I'm sorry but it's your word against hers, and I trust her more"

"She's dead, she was not a saint, hear me out at least"

"I am, but I don't feel I can trust you. I wish I could, there are no evidences and proves to support your story, I can't believe you"

He quiets, opens his mouth but no sounds comes out.

"I should go, I can't have this conversation while I'm not sober and it's pretty useless if you don't care"

 _I do, do I?_

"That's not what I said!" she stomps her foot on the ground

"But it's what you meant" he leaves and she is alone again.

* * *

 **A/N** Sorry for the huge delay, hope you like this one.  
Reviews are always appreciated  
nb: this is not betaread


	12. Where we break someone's heart

Blair emerges from her thoughts on her way to Lilac's kindergarten theatre, on a cab that brings her in front of a little brick red school, with painted windows and balloons hung on the lintel of the door.

Nathaniel opens the passenger door and hands the driver some money, paying her ride.

"There's no need for you to pay that"

"I know, you're a fierce lady, but I'm a gentleman" he smirks and kisses her on the cheek.

"Of course… Now where's my precious flower?"

"She's in the backstage, some little girl's mum is dressing her up, I can't come in"

"Why?"

"Fathers are not allowed"

"That's ridiculous!"

"I know but let's just don't make a drama over this, for Lilac"

"As you wish my dear, but there's no way someone else is going to dress my niece up for her first recital. Save me a seat, I have business to attend"

Blair runs into the little theatre and looks for the little girl inside the school, passing through the colourful hallways.

"Auntie Blair!"

Blair turns around and sees her niece waving at her behind the pan of a window.

"Sweetie! Come here!"

The kid starts running towards her and hugs her tightly.

"I missed you Auntie"

"I missed you too, sweetheart, you look so cute with these pigtails" she says tickling the little girl.

"Now, let's get you dressed, you have a show to perform"

"All right!"

* * *

Blair sits next to Nate in the comfy and dusty red seats of the theatre whilst her mind recalls the night she learned about Lilac's arrival

 _It was dark and late, almost two a.m., Blair was hitting the clubs with Serena when she had received a phone call._

 _"_ _Can you and Serena come here, as soon as you can?"_

 _"_ _Sure" she had replied half drunk and a little bit worried._

 _When they had arrived to Nate Archibald's penthouse, the shock had already taken him over._

 _"_ _Nate, Nate what's going on? Talk to me!" Serena was screaming and Blair was slapping him in order to awake him._

 _"_ _I'm fine, I'm just drunk and angry"_

 _Both the girls had exhaled a long breath_

 _"_ _It's Sasha, she's… not… fine" Nate had whispered_

 _"_ _Is she ill? Did you beat her? Did she hurt you? Wait… where is she?" Blair had sounded like a hurricane_

 _"_ _No, no, she's… she's pregnant and we had a little… a little… quarrel"_

 _"_ _Did you two fight?"_

 _"_ _No, but she doesn't want to keep the baby, and we fought and I don't know where she went"_

 _"_ _Ok, Blair, I look for her, stay with him, fine?"_

 _"_ _Fine"_

 _Serena had left her there alone with the poor Nate who was again sleeping, with his head on her lap_

 _"_ _Nate, Talk. To. Me." And she had slapped him_

 _"_ _Blair, it's a mess, again, I can't make things right"_

 _"_ _What are you talking about?" she was stroking his forehead_

 _"_ _Sasha is pregnant and I was head over heels but she was not… It's not that I'm pro-life or something, I just… I thought… I like the idea"_

 _"_ _Of what?"_

 _"_ _Of us having a baby, I know we are young but it doesn't seem so dark and twisted to me, it's not a tragedy"_

 _"_ _Maybe she's scared"_

 _"_ _I'm scared too, she just doesn't want to ruin her career and I can't blame her for that, it's her choice"_

 _"_ _Sure"_

 _"_ _I just, my father sucks, and I'm scared to become his replica, but I want a chance to do this right"_

 _"_ _I understand, I really do, but… if she doesn't want a baby you can't force her"_

 _"_ _I know, I just want to talk to her, I could take care of he or she and find a way"_

 _"_ _Things are not that easy Nate, I wish they were. Don't' be afraid, whatever you decide we will stand by you, Serena, Dan, Chuck, everyone"_

 _"_ _Thank you" he had hugged her tight_

 _"_ _So, you may become a father… can I be his/her godmother?"_

 _"_ _You may"_

 _"_ _Excellent"_

 _Sasha was a strong and fierce woman, she kept the baby and they had been a loving family, until her departure._

 _"_ _It's something bigger than me, I thought I could make it but I can't, I'm not ready to be a mother, I'm sorry"_

 _In order to protect herself she had done something so justifiable and so difficult at the same time, she had a baby but she was not ready to be a mother, and she preferred leave her daughter to someone who would love her more than she could._

 _She had stepped aside for her baby and for herself._

"Did you talk with him?"

"With who?"

"You know who, don't fool around with me"

"I wonder why every conversation I have with everyone, has to be about him. He's not the centre of the universe."

"Fine, and with that Cole guy?"

"He's jealous and I hate that"

"Why is he jealous?"

"Because your dear friend keeps on calling me while I'm working"

"Because he wants to apologise, he really wants but you don't give him any opportunity"

"He doesn't deserve one"

"You don't know that, how can you be so thick? You're blaming him for everything but you are not innocent"

She glares at him and turns her head to the other side.

"This conversation is over"

Nate sighs and shakes his head.

"It will always be like this, it was fool of me thinking I could help my friends somehow, you don't want to, it's useless"

"Exactly, save your energies for something more concerning"

* * *

Theresa opens the glass door and steps in, followed by charming Cole with a bouquet of white lilies in his hand and a box of pralines.

"Forgive me Blair, please, I wasn't thinking"

"Theresa, leave us alone, please"

"Sure" she exit the room and closes the door.

"Take a sit"

"Blair, I'm sorry"

"We have to talk, I thought I was ready but I'm not"

"Ready for what?"

"For this, for fights, and dates and love and trust. I owe you an explanation but I think there are no possibilities"

"Why?"

"Hear me out first"

He shuts his mouth and she proceeds.

"I'm scared. I used to walk tall around here. I used to walk tall. Then Louis happened taking at least two inches, it was difficult.  
Time healed my wounds, but then Dan left me. He took off almost three inches. Serena died and that shaved off a few more. I got shorter. All that pain makes you shorter. So yeah, I am scared of getting hurt. Because one more personal disaster right now would cut me off at the knees.  
I don't need dramas right now, you're funny and smart, even though you're jealous.  
I need to sort a few things out."

"You're leaving me"

"Yes, but not because I don't care about you, because I can't take you into this mess"

"I don't know what to say, I came here thinking we could get back together, I was naïve"

"Don't say that…I'm sorry"

"Goodbye Blair, eat the white ones first, they're delicious"

He puts the box on the table with the flowers and leaves, leaving her door open.

She turns around and cries softly.

* * *

 **A/N** Hello everyone, hope you spent a great summer!  
I'm back with this new chapter, it's not beta-read as always; thank you for the huge support and reviews, you are amazing!  
Hope you like this one, the next will be up soon


	13. Where we receive something old

She sits in an exclusive cafeteria, sipping her delicious tea, admiring Central Park when her phone rings.

"Miss Waldorf?" a man says with a thick English accent.

"Yes, who am I talking to?"

"Good morning Ma'am, I am Ashton Stuart, I am calling in order to inform you that Ms. Van Der Woodsen's belongings are still in her safe here, in my office"

"For the will you mean? I am not a relative, I think it would be better if you called Mrs. Rhodes"

"Ma'am, I have specific instructions, you are to be called in case Ms. Serena doesn't sign the contract every three months"

"I'm sorry, no one told you? Serena Van Der Woodsen is dead. She had a car accident a month ago"

"I'm very sorry to hear that, my best condolences go to you and her family. Now, as you may understand, I am obliged to arrange a new agreement with a new counterpart, regarding her belongings"

"I understand"

"Could you please come in my office as soon as possible? I can send you a car, where are you now?"

"Maya's at Central Park"

"Thank you Miss Waldorf"

The car leaves her in front of a tall skyscraper, with two revolving doors and a doorman outside.

She steps into the foyer and is greeted by a young black woman with long black hair and dark eyes, so fashionable Blair wonders what she does exactly in the company.

"Ma'am, welcome in SN associated company, I am Liza, I will take you to Mr. Stuart in a minute, may I get you something while you wait? Coffee? Tea? Some biscuits?" Liza says with a neutral accent.

"I would like some espresso please"

"Sugar?"

"Black"

She comes back five minutes later with the coffee in one hand and a folder in the other.

"Ms. Blair, Mr. Stuart is ready to meet you, will you follow me upstairs please"

"Of course"

Liza leads Blair into the elevator and presses the last button.

"Mr. Stuart was eager to meet you, he knows your stepfather, Mr. Rose"

"Oh really?"

She nods and when the doors open heads straight to the second hallway turns left and opens the last door on the right.

"Sir, Ms. Waldorf is here"

Blair cannot see clearly the man standing by the window, but he's tall, grey haired and wears a tailored suit.

"Ma'am, welcome, I do believe that Liza took great care of you"

"Absolutely"

"Thank you Liza, you're so precious, you can go now"

Liza smiles and leaves the room, closing the wooden door behind her.

"Miss Waldorf, I'm sorry about Ms, Van der Woodsen death, but I must discuss some issues with you. Did Ms. Van der Woodsen ever told you about a safe box she kept here?"

Blair eyes him suspiciously and asks him what he's talking about.

"Miss Serena used to pay for a safe box here, it was more of a favour than a contract anyway, every three months. You are the emergency contact, I was not able to hear from her so I had to call you. I'll have you see the safe box and then you'll decide whether leave it here, take it with you or give it to Ms. Serena's family"

"Just send everything to Lilian Rhodes, she's her mother"

"I know, but I have to see it, I cannot make exceptions"

"Fine"

The elder man stands up and points to the vault on the right.

"Follow me please"

She waits for him to code the combination and open the vault, goes in and takes a metal box from one of the shelves and hands it to her.

"Thank you"

It's cold, it's grey and doesn't not resemble any trace of Serena, _but she touched this and wanted me to have it._

"Ma'am I suggest you to open it"

"Of course" she's woken up from her thoughts and lifts the top of the box and thousands of papers come out, envelopes, folders, pictures everywhere, scattered on the floor.

"Let me help you with that" Mr. Stuart says as he bends down and start collecting all the papers and gives them to her.

"What are these?" Blair ask curiously "I didn't know a thing about them"

"I think is better of you to read them alone"

"Did you read them?"

"Oh, no Ma'am, I didn't, but you cannot read all of them here, I will have someone driving you back to your apartment, the address is still the same?"

"Same as what, excuse me?"

"On the letters, there's your name and your address, I do believe it's still the same, doesn't it?"

"Yes, I think, but if these are my letters, why are they here? Why did Serena have them?"

"I'm not a detective but I think you will be able to detect the reason behind all of this in no time"

"How?"

"If these are letters, and they have a stamp on it, then someone did send them, you just have to find out who did and ask him or her"

 _Good morning dearest Blair,_

 _I don't think it's already morning in NYC but it is here, the sun shines through the window and I keep thinking of you._

 _Yesterday I spoke with my editor, I will publish a new essay in the next few weeks, I hope Serena gives you the copy I sent you, I know it's not your favourite genre but I'm sure you will give it a try._

 _Please answer me when you find the strength._

 _With profound, unconditional and unworthy love._

 _Dan._

 _My dear angel,_

 _Serena told me you are going to the Met Gala tomorrow, I was invited too but I'm not coming, I don't know how that would make you feel._

 _I know you're still bitter about my behaviour but I hope in some time you will be able to forgive me, my acts were out of love, and you must forgive me for believing that doing what I did would have brought you more joy than pain._

 _Madly in love with you._

 _Daniel._

 _My Love,_

 _I don't know If I should surrender to your silence or assault it once more with my blasphemous words, I don't know If you read my letters or ignore them, but in my heart I hope you do and that you're waiting for the right moment to answer me._

 _Dear angel, I'm a slave to your words, I'm begging you to forgive me for what I did, it was out of love, not cruelness._

 _I cannot live if you are not with me, but I cannot let you destroy yourself for me either._

 _With the love I hope you reciprocate._

 _D._

Letters, e-mails, papers, scattered on her bed, pieces of a puzzle that she cannot put together.

 _Why? Why? Why did he wrote me? What does this mean?_

 _Why did Serena keep them?_

* * *

 **A/N** Hello, I'm a terrible person, hate on me, I deserve it.  
Sorry for my mistakes, I'm an ignorant goat.  
Let me know if you like this chap, trust me, every piece will soon fall back in place.


	14. Where we hacker a password

"Hello Lily, it's Blair, I'm sorry to disturb you but it's a matter of serious importance, do you know about some letters Serena kept? That were meant to be mine? Please call me back as soon as possible"

* * *

She has a chaos in her head that she cannot understand, words, sentences, periods, paragraphs, everything is just blurred.

She reads the papers and tries to understand the logic behind it but for her is impossible, not without the author.

Then she remembers something, it could untangle the mess in her head.

 _He tried apologising but Serena didn't let him._

So she takes her phone and compose Nate's number and hopes for the best.

It rings a few times and she's about to hang up, when she hears a little voice on the other end of the phone.

"Hell-o, this is Lilac"

"Hi, sweetheart, I'm Aunt Blair, can I talk to your dad?"

"Auntie!"

"Honey!"

"Daddy, Auntie Blair wants to speak with you" she yells.

"I'll take the call in the studio" she hears Nate's voice speak.

"Lilac, hang up"

"But daddy, I want to speak with Auntie, too" she whines a little.

"You will sweetheart, but I must speak to your dad about a very important matter, we'll talk later, fine?"

"Fine" and she hears a metallic click.

"Blair, tell me"

"Can you come here?"

"Blair it's late, I have to put Lilac to bed"

"I know, but I found some letters, in a safe box that used to be Serena's"

"Oh, that's why"

"What? Did you know about them?"

"Kind of… look, I cannot come right now"

"Bring Lilac with you, she can sleep on Rufus's bed"

"Fine, I'll be there in half an hour"

* * *

Nate is sitting on the pale grey couch and keeps on reading the letters out loud, while she tries to date it.

"I love you, please call me I need to hear your voice… etc.… with love Dan" he eyes her frowning.

"Can you remember this? Any particular details?"

"NO"

"Fine, then do you know why there are numbers on the back of every letter?"

"NO"

"Calm down, is a code, you're amazing with code"

"I know! That's why I'm so angry"

"Some of these are clearly e-mails and this is your address, so you could log into your account and search a keyword"

"I didn't receive any of these, I would have known it"

"Let me try something, give me your phone"

"Fine"

He logs in her e-mail account and starts typing Dan's address into the search bar.

"There's nothing here"

"I told you so!"

"Okay, let me see, maybe in the spam… no, there's nothing here… Serena did have them though, she must have taken them somewhere"

"I don't know where"

"Do you have her password?"

"No… but we could give it a try… let me take my laptop"

She comes back with her Mac, sits next to Nate and types in Serena's address.

"Sooo what could it be?" he wonders with a childish smile

"Let me think about it… maybe Givenchy, I honestly don't know"

"What does the hint say?"

"14 arrondissemant"

"Arrondissemant like in Paris?"

"I know that, it's a cafeteria in Paris, she loved it"

Nate types the password in and it works, just like the cave in Aladdin.

"Oh my god"

"What?"

"They're here"

"Hundreds of e-mails, thousands, I don't know. He sent them to you"

"What? No"

"This is your address"

"Yes"

"Did you ever ask Serena to delete some of these?"

"No… no… wait… yeah after the wedding, well no the wedding but you understand"

Nate nods and she goes on.

"I was angry, I was mad, and my phone kept ringing, and I didn't want to talk to him so I asked her to take care of it"

"And she did, indeed. She didn't mention any of these, never?"

"Never"

"Then we have a mystery, letters, e-mails, postcards and pictures, a woman with a secret, whom we now have to reveal"

"You make it sound fun"

"I know right? I'm a genius" he laughs trying to lighten the mood "This is going to take more than a few hours though"

"Sure"

"I'm going to make more coffee"

"You drink yours black right?"

"Exactly"

* * *

 _Dearest love_

 _The other day I was dreaming of you and me, we were on the grass, in the Hamptons maybe, I don't know, but you were so beautiful my dear that I had to take a breath every time I tried to speak._

 _We talked a lot, about you, about me, about me leaving you, you cried, you slapped me and my dear, I almost thought it was true, but then you were forgiving me and I realized it was just a dream, and my heart was in pain, is in pain, I cannot speak, I cannot breathe if I'm without you._

 _You are my compass, I cannot live without you._

 _I go out, I meet people, my new editor, my lawyer, and I try to blend into the melting pot here in London, but I see your face, your articles, on the internet, I hear your voice and I cannot bear it._

 _I beg of you to at least hear me out because I need to tell you how much you mean to me, watching your lovely eyes and your smart mouth, I need to feel your body under my hands, to caress your face, to hear your laugh._

 _Please, forgive me._

 _Yours, D._

Several hours, several coffee, several letters and e-mails and cards later, they're lying on the floor, papers scattered all over the carpet, when she screams with a loud "Hurray"

"Nate, this has a date, it was send about a year and a half or so ago."

"What does it say?"

"Well, is a plea, he begs me to forgive him, but I don't understand"

"What?"

"Why did he write me?"

"Maybe he wanted to apologise"

"How do you know?"

"Because he wrote it here" and hands her an ink stained parchment. "Read it, I'm going to check on Lilac"

* * *

 **N/B:** Hello there, I'm thinking about cancelling this fic, since I do not have time for writing and I literally HATE my style, so let me know if you like this thing enough for letting me continue it, even though I will update every once in a never.

Things will soon fall back in place and I look forward for you to read it.

As always bear with my horrible mistakes


	15. Where someone gives us a kind of a slap

_I'm sorry._

 _I'm sorry_

 _Please forgive me_

 _I did not mean to hurt you_

 _I was trying to save you from me, from yourself_

 _Please_

 _Let me explain_

 _I need you_

 _Please_

 _I want the best for you_

 _I didn't think I was_

 _I did not leave for mocking you or not loving you, I left because I love you too much to see you betray your beliefs in order to stay with me._

 _You used to drink champagne and expensive lattes and now you drink chai tea and accept the awful wine I manage to buy on my way back from work, you used to attend all the parties and all the celebrations and be an it girl, but now you stay at home, rarely care about gossip girl or the spectator or anything else._

 _I know you may feel more mature, you may feel different but what I feel is that you're not the same_

 _I live in the horror of myself, for you have changed for ever because of me, because of your love for me._

 _You are my sun, but I fear you have let yourself be eclipsed by Brooklyn, by our life together, by me._

 _I fear you have betrayed yourself for me, you used to be a Monaco Princess and now I feel you've let everything down in order to stay with me, but I want you to shine and I don't want to be a burden for you._

 _I love you so much that sometimes my lungs ache for the pain, my skin craves your touch, my eyes seek yours in every room, my heart screams for you in my sleep._

 _It is like autumn, looking at you. It is like driving up north to see the colours._

 _You rented me a lot in heaven, you gave me light and life through your smiles and your words and I hold my breath every time, because I search in everyone's voice a hint of your, and never find it._

 _Please forgive me, for I acted out of love not of treachery._

 _My pain is engraved in the mail I already sent, but I am willing to apologise to you again and again until you believe me._

 _Don't let my mistakes outshine our love, for you are my sun and I will never ever love another the way I loved you._

 _Daniel._

She spent the whole night turning around, nightmares haunting her, the fear of losing someone, the ache in her heart, and when she finally felt asleep it was painful and her cheeks were wet from all the tears she had wept.

* * *

The morning found Blair Waldorf with her hand on the headboard of the bed, her hand on the part hehad engraved, "D+B for as long as we breathe", when they were mad, mad with love, so irremediably tied in strong knots.

She wakes up, ties her hairs into a bun and start preparing coffee for her and for the two Archibald in the other room.

"Nate, would you like some coffee? I'm making some and does Lilac still like banana pancakes?"

She hears no sound come from the hallway and thinks they are still sleeping and resumes her doing, but in a matters of minutes notices the lack of Lilac's rucksack and Nate's blazar.

She starts scanning her loft and finds a note on the bed she let them use.

 _Had to go, sorry for not waking you up._

 _I'll see you tomorrow, call Dan._

 _N._

Then she notices the red lights on her voicemail, it's rare, people usually call her on the mobile, she thinks, and clicks on the button on the surface.

"Hello, you have dialled Blair and Dan's number, we are not home unfortunately, or are a little bit deaf, at the moment, although you can leave a message after the click and we will call you as soon as possible, bye" Dan's voice kind of paralyses her, her breath stuck in her lungs, she counts "one, two, three" and then again "one, two, three" and after five seconds the blur disappears, there's silence around her.

"Hello Blair, it is me, Lilian, I don't know anything about letters, but I know about some mails that she kept on getting, are you referring to them? I can help you clear thing out, if you need, would you mind joining me for tea this afternoon? Let me know, bye"

Lily Humphrey's calm voice reassures her, and sits on the couch with her laptop, in order to print some e-mails for Lilian to see.

 _Maybe I could pass there this afternoon, it would not take long._

 _I'll book the cab in advance, so I would not have to take that horrible smelly thing._

 _I could have launch with Mom and Cyrus, and tea with Lily._

She grabs her phone and texts her mom offering to take her family out for launch, a small, thing, catching up with their current projects, spending some quality time.

In a few minutes her mobile rings and she picks up.

"Hello Blair, we would love to have lunch with you but unfortunately, we have Aaron over, so would you be so kind to come here instead? We will all have a good family meal, spend some quality time together, catching up. Aaron has just returned from Greenland, isn't it incredible?"

"Yes, mum, unbelievable"

"Do not fall on the edge of your seat from excitement, it's interesting"

"I'm looking forward"

"Stop with all the saltiness, he's your stepbrother, behave please"

"Don't worry, I will, see you later, and don't forget to save me a seat next to the globetrotter"

 _"_ _Blair!"_

* * *

Dorota greets her at the door, takes her bag and her coat, while the polish woman informs Blair that her mother is in her bedroom getting ready.

She turns around and sees him.

He's sitting with his legs crossed on the Persian carpet her father brought back from his honeymoon, reading a German newspaper, wearing a super hipster beret and smoking black cigarettes.

 _How can he be such a hipster, and German now? So pretentious, I bet he wears handmade sustainable black eco leather._

 _Either you wear real leather or you don't, if you can't afford Dolce and Gabbana you don't go after Dolce and Babbana._

 _He used to do things like that, why am I always thinking about him._

"Blair, you're such a delight to the eyes, where did you take that fur, did you skin some poor animal alive?"

"Aaron, how good to find you here, I see that you're vegan now, how's going on with eating fake food?"

"Sweet Blair, why do you always have to be such a hypocrite? I remember your fiancé went vegetarian, am I right? Weren't you an activist yourself?"

What? No!

"I was merely supporting their rights, since animals do not have a voice, and secondly Dan was not vegetarian, we were openly minded to new cultures"

 _For the first time in almost two years she doesn't panic, her heartbeat doesn't race, her vision does not blur, her ears do not hurt, she is fine._

 _It starts as a quiet euphoria, as a slow shiver running down her back, a breath of life._

 _I'm fine, it's over._

"Seriously Blair? You were so stuck upon him, I remember you throwing your Gucci bag away because it was not sustainable and he was doing researches for an essay."

"Who told you?"

"Eleanor"

"Mum" she screams at the top of her lungs "Mum, what did you do?"

"Blair!" she can hear her fast steps on the stairs "are you insane? Why are you screaming?"

"Did you told Aaron about my Gucci bag?" she glares at her with her nose up in the air, something she learnt during her years as a Costance student.

"Well, I was shocked, it's not a Blair thing to throw a new and fashion purse! I was thrilled"

"You could have talked about it with me, it was not the end of the world"

"Blair? Seriously? You were living with him at the time, and it was the end of the world, because you were not yourself, you were acting oddly"

"What are you talking about?"

"I think I should go find my father" Aaron nasal voice echoes into the silence.

"You were talking about him, and only him, you quitted your job, wanted to start gardening, something a peasant would do, not you. You were a princess, for god's sake! And that poor guy, I hated him for leaving you too late, you were not yourself!"

"Don't you dare"

"I do, I do dare, because I've failed as a mother before, and I'm failing now, before you.  
I did not tell you anything, I watched you fall apart and be the shell of the fearless woman you were. I sat silently while Daniel Humphrey begged me to help him, to awake you from yourself. I did not mean any harm, but I was not able to do anything, our relationship was wore out by our misunderstanding, I did not want you to hate me, so I avoided any responsibilities. I distrusted my own judgment, and I'm sorry for that, for letting you ruin yourself and your relationships.  
Your fiancé broke the matryoshka doll, and let the old, good, true, fierce Blair come out. I'm not sorry for that"

All the oxygen in Eleanor Waldorf's lungs was gone, but so were the pain, and the guilt, and the anxiety, and while she was looking for a chair to sit on, she remembered an old saying.

 _The crack is everything, that's how the light gets in._

* * *

 **A/N:** Hello everyone happy 2017!  
Hope this chapter is not too rushed, but I'm finally starting my holidays and I was looking forward to uploading this piece.  
Please let me know what you think about it, and as always, bear with my english.


	16. Where we bare it all

She wants to call Serena, to ask her about the letters, about the e-mails, about her mother, about Dan, about everything, why didn't she tell her about him?

 _Why did she do this? Was I really that way? Was I?_

 _Was I mad? Was I insane? Was it all his fault? Was it all my fault? Did he really love me? Was I a fool? Was he trying to save me? What did I do? Did he left me for my own good? How could I be so blind?_

She doesn't know where to go, doesn't know where to walk, so when she finds herself sitting on the stairs of the Met she is a little bit confused, but her heart is calm, and the light has purged her thoughts.

The sun is shining on her face, now stained with dry tears, when she feels the presence of someone besides her.

"What are you doing here?" she is calm, a whole new feeling filling her whole being.

"I came here thinking you wouldn't be here, because the Blair I was going to marry would have never come here, and I didn't want to see that girl, I wanted to see you, the Blair I fell in love with, that loves ducks and parks and fashion and Met, so I wondered whether to come here or Central Park, but then I felt a sort of force dragging me here, and before I knew I was on a cab on my way here. I probably said here a thousand times but I'm happy to see you. That's it, I'm supposed to be a writer and I suck at words."

She smiles, a little goofy smile and takes his hand, intertwining it with her own, it's new, his hand is still the same, rough and warm, soft and harsh, and she has missed it.

"It's such a lovely weather, don't you think?"

"I do, great time for making up"

"There's no time for making up"

"Yes there is, I'm entitled to say so"

She giggles, a joyful tone in her melodious voice, and it messes with his head, and a shiver runs down his spine.

"Why, may I ask?"

"Because I am a writer, I find poetry, but if it doesn't convince you, well I want to make up with you, I want to explain you everything, I want you to understand that wha..."

"I get, I do"

"I read the letters, and the e-mails, and the papers"

"Why didn't you answer me? Why didn't you try to reach out for me?"

"Because I read them all yesterday"

"Yesterday? But Serena told me you burnt them all"

"No, she kept them for me, from me"

A look of incredulity cross his face, _why did she do that?_ A rage starts building inside of him.

"Don't be angry, she was trying to protect me, I didn't want to hear from you, then I think it just got out of hand, and she didn't know how to tell me"

"How do you know that? She lied to you! She lied to me! How can you still defend her?"

"Well I cannot be mad at her, she was my best friend, and now she's dead" her voice cracks a bit "I know that deep down, she didn't mean no harm"

He exhales a long breath and squeezes her hand a bit tighter.

"Do you miss her?"

"All the time, the pain it's not in waves, it's constant"

"Me too"

"I have something to ask you"

"Go ahead"

"Was it all about the wedding? Did you wanted a big thing with paparazzi and the big cake and all? Was it because it was not extraordinary?

He is surprised by her question, does she not get it?

"You said you read the letters"

"I did, but I missed the first one, I may have deleted that myself, I need to know"

"No, it was not that, I could never be that, well maybe it was, but partially, because it was not a Blair Waldorf's wedding, it was not your style, again you were submitting yourself and your ideas for me, and I didn't want that, never had. I wanted you to please yourself, not me. I tried telling you, I told Serena and Nate and your mum, but everyone didn't understand, you were different but people refused to help me, I wanted you to still be you, and everyone told me that I was just nervous, that you were happy, that it was normal for you to change, but I knew there was something wrong. And one day I was reading a book for a review and I dawned on me, I had to do something, if I really wanted to help, and for the love of god, I wanted to."

He hesitated a bit, a look of incomprehension on her face, her gaze wanders around, the cars capturing her attention.

"Unfortunately I didn't know what to do. After my bachelor party I walked for hours, kind of drunk, and in the morning I came home, I dressed up in my suit and tie, looking like a stupid penguin, when Alexandra called me, she asked me if we could postpone the honeymoon for two weeks, because I had an important meeting with my editor in London and I said yes, I tried to call you but you didn't answer, so I left you a message. I don't know if you got that"

She nods and he continues.

"After twenty minutes I called Chuck... you know for a long time I asked myself if you were ever going to _love me the way you loved him_ _"_

She interrupts him with her curious voice

"Chuck? But he was not invited to our wedding"

"Exactly, how could you? He was your friend, you were giving him up for what? But that's not the point. The point is... He knew you, the real you, the I don't wear fake leather and flipflops you, so I called him and asked for his advice, he told me that there were two options, I could either stay with you, marry you, accept your new you, and then wait for our marriage to wear out, for our relationship to fall apart, for me to cheat on you, for you to start pucking again, for our love to be destroyed, or to leave you for good, let you live your true life and come back later."

"I think you know what I chose, I realised that I loved you too much to kill your spirit, so I left, but I regretted it almost immediately, not the leaving part, that I would do over and over again, I regret not speaking with you, I regret not running to your penthouse and have you understand everything, I regret not kissing you one last time."

"But Chuck was right, it helped, you are you, fierce, intelligent, breath-taking, strong you."

"You could have told me, before running away"

"I loved you too much to take the risk of you doing something unbelievable stupid"

"So you loved me?"

"Yes I did, but I know you don't believe me, I know I caused you pain, I know you have trust issues, I feel like I had this beautiful and special thing and I messed it all up"

"Do you know, I was a mess back then I... I used to make long speeches to you after you left. I used to talk to you all the time, even though I was alone. I walked around for months talking to you."

"Now you stand here and I don't know what to say. It was easier when I just imagined you. I even imagined you talking back to me."

"We'd have long conversations, the two of us. It was almost like you were there. I could hear you; I could see you, smell you. I could hear your voice."

"Sometimes your voice would wake me up. It would wake me up in the middle of the night, just like you were in the room with me. Then... it slowly faded. I couldn't picture you anymore. I tried to talk out loud to you like I used to, but there was nothing there. I couldn't hear you. Then... I just gave it up. Everything stopped. You just... disappeared. And now I hear your voice all the time. Every man has your voice."

It feels like a dagger buried deep in his heart.

She stands up, leaving him startled.

"Well, first I would have not done such thing"

"Such thing what?" a laugh in his voice

"I would have agreed with you"

"No, you would not have"

"You don't know that"

"I will never, but I know you, at least I knew..."

"I wish you'd stayed."

"Sometimes I wish I had stayed, too, but I'm happy though"

"You are? Really?"

"Don't get offended, I am happy because I got to know you, fragile and strong, compassionated and evil, loving and ruthless"

"There is no way I am not going to get offended"

"I'm happy because one day, you will be a fashion designer, a famous and skilled one, and I would love to say that I had the wonderful experience of sharing a life with you, even if it was just for a bit of time; or you could become the third female president of this nation"

"Why third?"

"Because by the time you get old enough to be eligible I hope someone else has already become first, and maybe we would get a second one"

It was a lovely thought, really, a hopeful one, it flattered her for a time.

"What about you? Winning the Pulitzer? Noble nominee? Goncourt? Strega? Who are you going to be?"

"I don't know, it will be a dream to win something, but for now there's only one place I would love to go to"

"What is that?"

"Well, you'll have to come with me if you want to find out" he told her offering his hand.

* * *

A/N: and that's a wrap, although if you want I can do a little Q&A on twitter and we could chat a bit.  
Let me know if you like this chapter, reviews are always well accepted.  
Regarding this long, almost a year, fictional trip, it has been lovely, and I have welcomed every message I got, thus I would like to personally thank each one of you for your precious help, it has been a honour writing for you.

Farewell, Fanny.


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